Help! What advice should I give my best friend about her 18yr old daughter?

She is a single parent, her 18yr old daughter, who has graduated from high school still lives at home, not working and very promiscuous in a very daring fashion. My friend is stressed beyond belief, depressed and losing weight, but she doesn't want to put her out the house because she feels she is still responsible for her because she's her daughter and if anything happens to her she would never forgive herself. She's been giving her ultimatums, get a job or else but to no prevail. What should I tell her, what should she do?Help! What advice should I give my best friend about her 18yr old daughter?
She has to say what she means and stick to it. By the sound of it, her daughter has already learned that Mom isn't serious and her ';ultimatums'; are nothing more than empty threats.





Mom needs to acknowledge that while she helped to create the current problem, she also has the power and the ability to fix it. She needs to sit the daughter down and write out a formal behavioral contract with her. The contract needs to be specific, have a set timeline and clear expectations: ';Expectations';, ';Rules';, etc.


It should be clearly explained that if the daughter wants to continue living in her mother's home, she must: get a job (set a reasonable/realistic amount of time to do so) or go to school (Mom will help her secure funding/loans/grants) and the daughter must be willing to furnish proof that she's attending classes and completing work faithfully.


Is rent required? Is she expected to contribute to the household by doing chores around around house (what? how often?)?


What are the house rules/expectations for living there (smoking, parties, alcohol, curfew, laundry, cooking, etc.)?


If Mom wants her to move out on her own, there should be a reasonable timeline set up for her to secure alternative living arrangements.


There needs to be a ';Discipline'; or ';Violations'; section as well. Define what constitutes a violation of the rules. Define the consequences. One of the best ways, is to set it up as a ';3 Strikes %26amp; You Are Out'; system. The daughter doesn't get earn her way out of the house for messing up once or even twice, but if she continues to make poor choices, then she has obviously choosen to that it's time for her to move out on her own.





The beauty of writing a contract with the adult-child is that it's clear, concise, written down (they can't say, ';But I didn't know!';) and if they violate it, they have known the consequences from the very beginning. It removes their excuses.Help! What advice should I give my best friend about her 18yr old daughter?
Giving an ultimatum means taking action if she chooses not to make the right decision. At eighteen this girl is legally an adult and her mother doesn't have to keep her at home any longer. She should offer the girl three options: 1. Get a job 2: Go to college, or 3. Find another place to live. Give the girl one month and one month only to make her decision and start making progress towards whatever she chooses. If she chooses not to get a job or go to school then she leaves at the end of the month no more battling. Just saying ';or else'; means nothing, she already figures her mom is just going to go on and keep letting her get away with things while she acts like a child, she's a grown up and needs some tough love.
Hi Shasha,





This is a difficult one!! I also have an 18 son and i am having some problems with him at the moment, he refuses to look independently for a job etc...


I think she needs to sit down and say that she is willing to give support to help her daughter find a job and ask questions as to what she would be interested in, it could be a confidence thing?





As to the promiscuity, well she is 18 and although sshe is behaving badly she is an adult. The daughter needs house rules and unfortunately she needs to be cruel to be kind and say that if she will not abide by her rules then she needs to get somewhere else to live...harsh but they need boundaries.





Kat
This is time for tough love, and time for her to be the parent. Every parent wants their kid to do well, but her daughter is going nowhere while she's mooching off her mom. Dr. Phil did a great piece on moocher kids a few weeks back. Here's a guide and I hope it helps:


http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/2…
I had same problem only son had to ask him to leave or I was going to go insane he is welcome back if he wants to follow rules and I let him know i love him I refuse to give him cash but I take him out to eat and give him things he needs bus pass, things for work, etc,
Call this number, they are very skilled at helping with situations like this: 1-866-996-2879
If she's not going to follow through with what she threatens. Then there is nothing your going to be able to to.





She's 18, live by the house rules or get out.
well most ppl just make em pay rent but i THINK dont call my mama all evil n unloving or caring or anything because shes not!!!! my mama might kick us out unless we got a job or wouldnt buy anythig for us with her money get your own money if u want that we would be in college by then anyway if we were already out of skool